Harry's Giant Beanstalk
by For the Greater Lulz
Summary: Except, it's not a beanstalk. It's a tree. A giant tree. A giant tree that formed of a puddle of blood. This summary is a lot better than I thought it would be. Abandoned Oneshot. Inspired by the famous HPMOR. Rationalism at its best.


A/N: This is why creativity should be discouraged.

Harry was in a fowl mood. His shitty internet was lagging and he just dropped a rank in League of Legends because of it. He threw his computer at the wall (he reminded himself to steal Dudley's computer later), and sat in his bed in silent contemplation.

He grabbed a drumstick and thought through his life. Why didn't anything work as he planned?

He decided to surf on the internet and accidentally found Snape's instagram. It had a few disturbing pictures with Dumbledore. He never close a tab as quickly as he did then.

He decided to turn on the tv, and saw the new Pokemon series. He threw the remote controller at it, shattering the screen and creating a decently large hole.

Fucking XY. I want my original 151 Pokemon, he thought in barely restrained rage.

Suddenly, the hole in the TV lit up, and a large unicorn came out of it.

"Harrrrrrrry," the unicorn said in an annoying voice. "Come with us to Candy Mountain."

Suddenly, a large vortex was created and pulled Harry into the hole in a blink of an eye.

When Harry woke up, he found himself lying across a cold, stone floor. He tried to get himself up, only to find that he had no hands. Or body.

He was a puddle of blood.

He slowly started moving towards the right, and then fell off a cliff. He landed on an ocean, where his body began to disperse through the seven seas.

It was thousands of years later. The Earth was more or less destroyed by the radioactive fallout after the nuclear war. The majority of people and animals died. Those that had not mutated.

Except one wizard, who was still in his liquid form. But one day, in the night where there was no moon, he reformed. Somehow. Magic.

"Finally!" he cried in relief. He kissed the ground beneath him.

"Wait, where the fuck am I?"

"Good question," a voice behind him said smoothly.

Harry jumped.

Or rather, he pushed the earth with his feet. The Earth shot out, and he found himself floating in outer space.

"Who the fuck was that?" Harry thought, before he began suffocating because there was no oxygen, just carbon dioxide, and greenhouse gases are harmful and shit.

Suddenly, his body began mutating, as the radiation finally began taking effect, since he now had a body and all. His body began producing chlorophyll, which began photosynthesis and supplied Harry with what he needed.

But the problem was, all the water began getting sapped, and Harry started drying up. So, in one last effort, he lunged towards the Earth. Again, damn physics. This is magic.

The kinetic energy of falling down the atmosphere was too much, and burned Harry until he was a tiny seed. A tiny seed that fell to the ground and began growing.

And growing.

And growing.

And growing.

Until he became an enormous beanstalk that reached the heavens. Jack, a young boy, climbed up him one day, and Harry, in his annoyance, knocked him out. Jack fell from the plant and died, his body becoming a puddle of blood, just like Harry once was.

Jack's mother, who found out about Jack's untimely death, was enraged, and began chopping Harry down with an axe.

Harry, in one last desperate attempt to survive, tried to escape. Unfortunately, he was a plant, and plants can't fucking move.

So, Harry fell, the once mighty beanstalk now no longer standing.

At least he fell on the mother.

Vengeance was sweet.

He then realized that he was never a beanstalk, but rather a very, very, very, very big tree.

The mother got sued posthumously by the environmentalists for destroying a one-of-a-kind species.

One of the environmentalists began to research Harry.

"Ah, this is my chance!" thought Harry.

The moment the environmentalist touched Harry, the once-wizard, once-plant, whatever the fuck Harry was/is began downloading the environmentalist via bluetooth.

But bluetooth isn't used for scanning. Fuck those Koreans who made it. The Japanese would have done better.

So, Harry exploded in a pink supernova, which consumed the Earth and all of its inhabitants.

Fortunately, Professor Trelawney foretold of such events a thousand years before, so people already had a base in Mars, so everyone lived happily ever after.


End file.
